this is what freedom feels like

have it all, lose it all, rinse, and repeat.

Hello readers 🙂 — no, your eyes do not deceive you, I’m back with a newsletter post :)

It’s been a while since I’ve been here, but more regrettably, it’s been a while since I’ve written, period. I’ve probably journaled or properly reflected less than a handful of times in the last five months, and it shows in my temperament, thoughts, and actions lately (sadly, my partner can attest to that).

To quote my sister, I started off this year at full ahead, so it was nothing but impossible for me not to burnout. I bought the house, became a yoga AND scuba instructor, started making content for NOAA and its fisheries investigations unit, ramped up my half-ironman training, got more responsibility at work, filmed my first documentary, and got into every grad school I applied to (except Edinburgh, which I got waitlisted for and ultimately rejected from 😞). My mind has been a loud space for a variety of reasons, but loud nonetheless. It turns out, as much as you tell yourself that you’ll embrace the good happenings and the bad happenings equally, when things start to get good, like really good, it’s hard not to be scared to lose it all, to watch it slip away ten times faster than it came to you. It’s hard not to fear breaking the bad news to the same friends and family who first celebrated your wins with you.

So the grind begins, and suddenly, everything you do is either an attempt to keep everything you already have, or to get more. And by you, I mean myself obviously, although I’d feel relieved if I’m not alone in this feeling.

Every movement starts to feel mechanical and thankless, yet highly justifiable, until you’ve convinced your body these are the only movements you can possibly make to keep everything just as is, and you lock your body into this mindless set of movements, only to come back into consciousness months later to realize your muscles are atrophied, and you’ve lost all flexibility.

And I think I must’ve cried at least once a week, because when did things stop being fun? You can’t possibly tell me that’s what growing up is like, because I just won’t accept it. Nothing’s good without a little play, and at a time when everything should’ve been feeling good (because how could I not be thankful for all the great projects I was a part of?) life had almost lost all its zest.

But Summer’s here now, and with it comes the inevitable urge to find movement again, to open up this shriveled body to the world of possibilities, no matter what good or bad comes. And to shed all these layers of things that I think I need, but don’t.

So, this week I quit my full-time job. And sending my resignation letter, I felt more aligned with myself and more relieved than I’ve felt in months.

Stopping to literally smell the flowers. Jasmine!

Of course there are questions, doubts, fears, uncertainties, perhaps a bit of stupidity, even (I would argue a lot of stupidity?). But the prospect that things are bound to change is exciting and inviting. It’s a feeling I have come to know and trust.

I now get to be fully present for these projects I’ve only been half-present for before. And even if money is tighter, it is a lifestyle adjustment I had been mentally preparing for at least a year in advance, and I have to admit I feel a sense of relief, a certain weightlessness that is only the result of accepting I don’t have to keep fighting just to keep things as they are, especially when what they were was only bearable.

I guess what I’m saying is, I know things are going to be quite hard moving on, but to be fair they’ve been hard all year long, and in a not-so-meaningful way. I’m just moving along to a different hard (a different boulder, if you may).

And I may fail miserably and lose it all, but what a blessing to do what feels right with no restraints, fully embracing the consequences. What a blessing to feel this wide awake. I am reminded this is what freedom feels like.

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🙏🏽Thank you to all the people who read my blog, whether you tell me or not that you do (and when you do tell me, it means so much to me). Thank you for coming along on my journey. Happy to be back! :)

Much love,
Nicole 🌊

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p.s., now that I have more time in my hands, I will be focusing more on writing and reflecting on the events from the last few months. So expect more frequent posts, including a few reflections (recovered from the vault) that I wrote over this year and never made it here.

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Song of the month! (again).